Here are some business lingo translations that I think will be most helpful for all of you out there looking for a job. No, currently we are not hiring.

Job offers lingo:

“COMPETITIVE SALARY” = We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM” = We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” = We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED” = You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” = Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY” = Anyone in the hospital can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” = We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED” = Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON” = If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE” = We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” = You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” = You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” = You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” = Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

As a little confession, I must tell you that my first job ever, implied all of the above requirements. Funny as it may seem, in this country – it’s more of a trend. Businesses are changing, but people never will. Be careful out there!