Women

Okay, it’s not Kate Winslet or Oprah or anything but don’t expect to make it to Quiz-o or Misshapes or wherever you young folks are buying your cocaine these days: call it in delivery because this is a, ahem, project. It turns out Faith Hill looks sort of like your mom. Frankly, of course, if your mom looked like this, I’d still have to do her, but Redbook is under strict instructions to skew younger and if anyone is going to be in touch with what the Girls Gone Wild generation is looking for in a magazine it is not the editors over there. And so weight of the task, kid, falls on us.

Some more salient of the fixes:

1. SCALP: You know what we need here? Some more frickin hair. Please, we could practically reuse her to illustrate one of those perennial female pattern baldness pieces. HELLO, did she not get the message that extensions are the new earrings? Take it from Lauryn Hill, white bitches INVENTED the weave, just like Koreans invented fake nails. And speaking of, Faith: nice manicure! For me to poop on!!

2. CROWS FEET: What’s this under those eyes? Blanche? Dorothy? Jesus Christ, we’ll try to get you overtime for this shit.

3. THOSE CHEEKS: What exactly do you think she’s hoarding in there? Snacks to get her through Ramadan? And boy could bitch take a little time out on that deviated septum…

4. OMG THAT EARLOBE: This is a personal one, since no one will probably be able to tell once it hits the cover, but please do some work on that hideous earlobe of hers for me and ixnay on the fucking MOLE. Lasers were invented for a reason, lady!

5. NECK: I feel bad about hers.

6. LIPS: More lines! Ugh: What’s this bitch do, move her mouth into unflattering positions for a living?

7. CLAVICLE: I know they’re hot in New York, but so are those fucking terrorist scarves. This shit does not fly in Middle America. Just pretend like she has no bones. Also, get rid of that welt from the strap of her dress digging into her flesh; we know she’s fat. Everyone else doesn’t need to.

8. BACK FAT: What is this, the new muffin top? She’s spilling out all over that attractive sundress. Gross. And could her posture be worse?

9. THAT HAND, #1: What’s it DOING there? Ugh, I don’t even want to know. Make it an arm. And pleaaaase make it look like she’s sucking in her tummy like a good celebrity.

10. ASS: Chop.

11. ARM: is absolutely FINE, with about 50% less girth and 80% less Mystic Tan! It’ll probably look unnaturally long and frail and Teen Vogue on the cover: I’m okay with this. Anything to spare readers the grotesque sight of THAT HAND, #2.

All right, see what you can do, and don’t stop till she looks at least as young as Reese Witherspoon, or someone, you know, the kids your age would jerk off too. I have faith in you.

Yours truly,

The Devil

I’m sick and tired of the magazines that sell the “idealized” cartoon of a woman and the homos that do not appreciate the femininity that comes from warmth, from body language and from a woman’s intelligence and sense of humor.

P.S. Yes, Photoshop is the tool of the Devil! Trust me, I use it every day.

(via jezebel.com)